These feelings won't go away, They keep knockin' me sideways

Compassion. 

Is that what gets me into a whirlwind of misfortune? 

At times I feel it's the reason for my constant feeling of loneliness in a sea of company. A crowded room full of familiar faces, laughs, pure love and drugs still can't fathom to fill the desolate land field nestled deep within. Especially when I think of the possibility of having these feelings soothed, reassured and simply satisfied. 

She won't pick up the phone when I call. Answer my text messages. Promises to hang run dry. 

It's me. I was the one who went off to college to pursue my dreams like we've always talked about.

 I was the one who left her behind.

In the past visits for holidays, I remember the look of pure envy when I exclaimed the pure excitement I had during my first months away from home. The people I had met, experiences I had accumulated; I told her everything just like old times. One cousin to another. Sister to Sister. Secrets I held just for our meet made her face turn sour as if tasting tart lemonade when ordered overly sweetened. Something that never happened when told of the mature acts she pursued in our early teen years. 

I remember smiling in awe at her bravado above her parental restrictions and simply wanting that extra pep in my step. Rebellion most would label it. 

Eager to share my new found female fetal, I poured every ounce of my experiences into that moment as she would through a telephone call or even during the nights we would stay up till the break of dawn speaking secrets through the dark abyss. 

Gone. 

I share my secrets, feelings and thoughts with these four walls plastered with false idols; yet my idols. 

These four walls capture my voice more than any human I've ever known or have yet to encounter. 

Today I visited an old friend from High School. She's happy in the mist of all the bad the world has thrown her way. I see it every time she looks at him. Despite living under the same roof as her parents working as a host in a chain restaurant; he makes her smile. 

At times I think that 'he' is in my near future. Often within my grasping hands. Nights are filled with constant turning and reaching for a presence that has always been absent. That warm entity with a syncing heartbeat followed by a warm embrace; softly or loudly breathing. I've felt this for a split second and awoken to it sad due to it's immediate departure. 

If it lasted would I cringe or welcome it's arrival?

'He' knows.